It's November 14, 2016 and it's been 9 months since I've seen or spoken to you. Very much like the first time you walked out my life. The saying goes: "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me." But I could see myself being fooled thrice. Why?
Because I love you! I have experienced what I consider to be hell on earth these past couple of months trying to wrap my head around what's going on and why. Constantly bombarded with people telling me to move on and why I should move on. I remember you saying once: "We'll see how stubborn you are?" And you are right. We will.
Why do I love you? That's a great question, I feel the answers are limitless. I didn't know love was suppose to be logical. Let's start with how you make me feel invincible like I can take on the world. I get that it is preferred that I already feel/think that way without you present. And I think over these past few months I've come to that place...painfully.
I love you for the memories we made and hope they will carry me though the life I have yet to live. I love you for the way I got butterflies from your texts. I love you for making me feel like a woman even when I was being boyish. I love you for the poems you gave me. I love you for the words of encouragement to do more, pursue more because I am "smart". I love you for making me NOT think. That was probably one of my most favorite things about you, I couldn't think straight with you around so I thought about things less. I love that you taught my daughter her directions she loves to call out "Never Eat Shredded Wheat" while on the road. I love that you cooked when you visited. I love that you took me out to the nice restaurant while you were sick. There are a lot of I love you moments that I remember from the day we met until the last. I didn't know I was going to fall in love with a first kiss.
I remember there was one night while in Panam you held me as I fell asleep and felt utterly safe from the world, like nothing could harm me not even death itself. And then days later everything changed. You may be the devil himself but I am going to love you anyways. Because that's who I am. I love unconditionally, without regret. The reasons (logically you're not there reasons) to forget you are everywhere but I trust in what I felt even if it was one sided. Even if it was all a lie.
I once argued with my mother (whom you know is crazy) why did I even bother with you if I knew you were "broken" and I said "if that was the reason to not talk to you what reason did I have for men to want to talk to me with my imperfections. We all have baggage and I felt that I understood yours given many years of my life spent near a military base. That world, that environment.
There were many things you said or texted me over the time we were together that would hint towards the political climate today in the US. However, I would put aside those, what I would call, "weird things" as a result of the injuries you stated occurred to your head. Or maybe I was the gullible one and ate up all of the stories you told me about your experiences in the military. Whatever the story, I fell for you.
So as I begin this next chapter in my life, I continue to wish you the best also.
This blog post is part of The Love Letter Campaign... a project started by FamilyOfaVet.com to encourage those who love a hero to write a letter sharing their story (where they started, what they've faced together, and why their love endures). It's not just for spouses, but also for parents, siblings, caregivers, and friends. It's about telling the "rest" of our stories... stories that continue despite PTSD, TBI, and the challenges of life after combat. To share your love letter or find out more about the campaign, visit http://www.familyofavet.com/love_letters.html.