Sunday, January 12, 2014

The Beginning to Happiness

I am sharing my story in hopes that it is a healing process for myself but also to let anyone else who has gone through what I have that they are not alone.

I met Sean on March 17, 2008 three days after he returned from a 15 month deployment to Iraq. We had talked online for a bout a month thanks to a dating website. We were both new to the area and wanted to meet people. I last heard from him before he left Kuwait and said that he would call me. I honestly did not expect to hear from him and on that Monday my phone rang and it was him. We met for dinner and I knew I loved him before we were finished eating. After that we spent everyday together. He met my son from a previous relationship and fit so well. Sean did not sleep in bed he slept on the couch, I thought it was just a readjustment period and it was not unusual. He enjoyed drinking and having fun again thought nothing of it. But after time the drinking became excessive on the weekends and he would I think flashback to things. He was starting to have nightmares and woke up covered in sweat. Four months after being home he had a night of drinking and a poor decision to do cocaine to numb the pain and forget everything that happened in Iraq. The following day a drug test was done on the unit and he failed along with 14 others. Within a month all 14 were discharged from the Army and Sean was even more lost then before. We moved back to where I was originally from and he started work but he did not ever seem happy. He started going to the Vet center for therapy and then would stop and then go again just to stop again. The last five and a half years have been a very turbulent time. Sean just wanted to numb feeling everything and forget Iraq and unfortunately drugs and alcohol were his companions in that. He would go days without sleeping and what little sleep he did get had horrible nightmares, he had never slept in bed with me always on the couch. Trying to go and do anything to get out of the house was a fight.

The pinnacle of our battle with addiction and PTSD came on August 23, 2013 when I found Sean unresponsive and blue in the bathroom. I had to perform CPR for what seemed like forever I got him back.  Immediately after this he went to an inpatient VA facility to help in PTSD and addiction.

Since he has been gone I have been struggling with my own emotions about everything. It has been difficult and I go to a support group that has been amazing. It has been a struggle because I have not worked since February because Sean was admitted for a serious infection and he was the caregiver for our 2 year old. So I had to care for both of them. We are fighting to get his benefits and that is just a joke how difficult they make that process. This will be our third time.

I have been reading book after book to learn all that I can and that seems to help. I just know that Sean’s demons will always be a struggle to overcome but he finally has the mindset of living a healthy life. I am also hopeful that we both can learn to be healthy and establish a stable environment for our family.

Proud of my Hero

Submitted By: Alisha

4 comments:

  1. I can relate to you and living with a husband who suffers everyday from ptsd and the main caregiver of our 2 year old we also have a 10 and 6 year old. Sometimes I think is it just us that this is still going on with the seclusion from outside family events, outburst. Struggles with medication on and off back and forth, his lack of sleep then sleeps all the time. I am thankful he stopped drinking after an incident shortly after he came home drinking too much and attempted to strangle me. It was at that moment that he finally did start to get help. But it fluctuates now it has been almost 5 years since he has returned and we still battle the demons. It is so hard and some days I just want to throw in the towel. But I love him, I just feel like I am losing myself in the midst of it all. Thank you for sharing.

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    1. Losing yourself. That's it. That's what has happened to me. I am so lost. Who am I? And so what for who that is. If I speak how I feel everyone may say I am a selfish pig and this site is here for support so we can serve our Vets better. Mind health is the key. I am told so little eccept to keep me serving and giving and never getting back because its the Vet who is important here. What problems could I posibly have after 25 years of marraige. The third wife but only one who did not provide him a child to worship and have me cater to. I am a mere woman to my Vet and his Vet friends. We did not serve or produce any non American fresh from a whorehouse children nor did I even give him a mere American child for me to watch my Vet love and adore because at least these children are his special "blood" liine relative. Nup, I am just a number 3 wife who the family of his, blood line, believes deserves nothing from him. Especcially if Lord forbid he passes away. Yeah I agree with you writer above. I gave everything in hopes of solving his then ours, unhappiness. I don't get how I am the one so wacked now. Never gonna get this figured out. Gezz I just loved him and wanted to help cause I cared. My soul and lifes energy has been sucked out of me. I wait for my coffin so I can find peace.

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  2. I am so very lost and alone and I am thankful to have found that is site. I feel so alone but knowing there are others going through it to somewhat helps. All I keep feeling is what a failure I am that now I have secondary ptsd and we have 6 children. What about our kids? What is their fate in this?

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  3. I feel called, though like an echo, to respond. Not that I have much advice. Only condolences and sad tears of knowing the sad truth of this feeling. It hurts sometimes. I guess those are moments of hope for myself if nothing else: that I at least still seem to have that much sense of the vibrant person I must still be somewhere in there? The worst times are the numbness to the shock. Is it me? Did I somehow create or contribute? What about our children? What is truly in their best interest? Continued life in this disfunction? How can I stop it for them no matter what I try? Stay on the dizzying emotional rollercoaster to spare loss and interactions with dad that I can't help through, praying for 'one day it will be ok?' or leave and do my best? It sounds so simple. It sounds too selfish. It sickens me to think of the neglect and possible characters that may be drawn back into their lives without me there to protect them? Even if its just for a night with dad. I'm sorry, but sertian of his go to relyable 'friends' are worthless drug addicts!! They might not be there at first, but judging by his patterns its likely just a matter of time. He just tells me he'll just fight me with every penny he can earn to take them from me? How is that possible? Is it or is it insanity? Still, how to fill a hole in their hearts? A catch-22? I'm such a confused mess. Just to do the things I know are right for myself and children is such a draining fight! Every day almost. And then in the time it takes for him to smoke a cigarette its over and he 'loves' me... just as long as I keep the subject dropped. If our families hurt could show: it would be a festering and feverish, raw rotting of a limb. But as long as he pretends its not there he convinces himself that everything is great and its all my overreaction. Infection kills. I feet for the spirits of myself, our children, and the man who was so solid, strong, achieved. His spirit that I fell in love with had a deep and knowing passion and purpose.

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