Thursday, June 27, 2013

Another human experience

It has been a while since I've written.  It wasn't in my heart.  I was broken for a long while, and still am, but in a way that I am comfortable with.

Life has carried on, and I have discovered some new coping strategies.  I realized I had again lost myself, my passions, my spirit for a long time.

A dear friend has reminded me that I love to sing.

I was singing in the shower one morning, and the kids were startled by it, rolling eyes, Sully said, "Oh no, here she goes again"..... But this time, they didn't shush me because sponge bob was on.  The just let me go.  And so I went.

Thank you friend, for reminding me I love to sing.

As quickly as I found out I was expecting my fourth child, (whom I just knew in my soul was going to be a girl this time), it was over.  She already was incredibly loved, intensely wanted, and I had that sense of calm and contentment I always get while carrying a child.  I am waiting for my body to let her go.  Anticipating is a real test to your spirit.  I am not ready yet to let go, so I chose to let nature take its course.  My husband is handling this quite well, and though he and I have not had a moment alone to grieve, I was able to slip away and take some pictures (new found coping tool), and as I walked along the river, I knew all will be well.

I am blessed that God has given me this experience.  Yes, it hurts, yes, I am okay, but I will not let my monkey mind play games and drift to what the future could have been.  I had a tiny gift in my belly, and though its brevity brought me to this place, I would rather have had the chance to love this, then to never have felt such intense love at all.

Stella Blue.  That was her name. Or is.  I need to make sure I am attentive to my husbands grief as well, but for now, we are enjoying a spirited little guy who is the son of my friend and the son of another Hero. He takes my mind off it a little bit.  He puts his head on my shoulder. Like he knows. Sweet little man.

So back to coping.  WHen I was snapping pictures, I realized, I felt safe.  I was not vulnerable, it mattered not that I had no clue what I was doing, or that I've never shot at night before.  No one could see me, and if they were interested , they would look at the pictures, not me.

It is a safe way to be vulnerable.  The camera acts as a buffer.  A shield.  It was the most calming activity I could have engaged in.

Writing really was my thing for awhile, reading too, music, all sorts of things, but I think I am changing.  I want to tell our story, but I don't think I need to say a word.  If pictures were snapped in my families life, they would speak volumes.

But true to Kateri Form, I like to share my story, our story, my pain and pleasures.  I know that is how I was saved from ruin, the reading of my beloved mentor's story....so parallel to mine, yet she was ahead of me, and she made sure I grabbed on.

So with that, I'm going to catch the morning sun, and wait for this baby to be finished with me.

~ Kateri

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