Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Lost and Almost Broken



Before I start my story, please let me state that I love my husband to death. I love him with every inch of my body and every beat of my heart.  I have been by his side his entire military career, which includes: boot camp, SOI, and two back-to-back deployments (that does not include the training, and etc. etc. etc.) For those of you who think we as wives know what we are getting into when we married a marine---YOU ARE DEAD WRONG!!! Yes, I married a marine, but it did not come with a hand book, especially how to deal with a marine, and your marine, who has PTSD. 

It is a shame that when I married my husband, he was only home and we were only married for less than a month when he did his first deployment to Iraq. He came home, however, a different person with a child to raise on top of that. He was impatient, angry, and etc. Before, he was the kind of man that never yelled or raised his voice to me. He was soft, kind, and gentle. Don’t get me wrong, he is still that way but it comes in strives.  I gave birth to our son when he was deployed and took care of the home front...I went from being a single, on-my-own women...to a wife and mother. I had to move away from the only home I had ever known - to a whole new area away from my family, friends, job, and college...to follow the man I loved...that in itself takes a lot of love, courage, and dedication. I have no regrets, don’t get me wrong, yet I feel like I do not get enough credit for the sacrifices I have made. I always hear of the sacrifices he has made for us, and believe me I know he has...I am so proud of him and what he has done because I don’t think I could ever do what he did or see what he saw...however, I still do not think I get enough credit for the strength, sacrifice, and pain I go through.
 It started with Iraq...things started to change. With him and us, however, there was no time to deal with it because seven months later, after his deployment, he was off again but to Afghanistan.  That deployment, I feel was the death of him. He did things there and saw things there that a human being should never witness or do. It also breaks my heart because I would give anything...I would give my last breath to take his pain away, but I just don’t think he realizes that. He does not see the pain that I go through because I was not there. No, I did not go to war, however, I have had to deal with the after math of war...a side that I do not feel is published or spoken about enough. 

It is a tough spot to be in because you feel alone, you feel broken, frustrated, tired, and like you are drowning...you want to turn to your spouse, your partner,  love, and best friend, however, he cannot save you because he is trying to hold on to you because he is doing the same thing. So I have always put my emotions to the side, swallowed my pain and frustration and tended to him. However, I feel myself becoming unhealthy and I feel myself starting to lose my mind. I just do not know how much more I can take of this and the sad part is I try to tell my husband this but he cannot hear me. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs but no one can hear me. I am a strong women, that is no joke because I have been through so much and I am still pushing while everything is still getting in my way and trying to hold me back or down. However, I am starting to burn out and I am feeling myself starting to burn out mentally and physically. I just wish America knew that sacrifice that comes with their freedoms. I also wish my husband and everyone else could see and feel the pain I am going through. I am sorry this is a long story, but I had a lot to say and needed to get it out....

Submitted By: A Drowning Wife

8 comments:

  1. I can hear your pain and see your sacrifices very clearly. You must get help for yourself. I am from the UK, but I know that there will be help available in your area somewhere. Do you know someone you can approach as a first step? A fried, doctor, family member?

    You obviously love your husband very much and wish you could take away his suffering, but you have a duty to care for your emotional well being too. You deserve the support that so many military wives need. Do it for your family if not for you. I hope you do. Take care.

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  2. I've said those words. I've shouted those words... and when I say how hard it is for ME versus for him, I'm selfish and shame on me for saying that and yet I keep saying it. I'm not ashamed. He brought the war HOME with him and now I have to fight it, too, and I did NOT sign up for that. :( Hugs.

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  3. I just want you to know you are doing a great job. It is such a hard place to be in... It's not that he doesn't care, but his emotions have been "turned off," and it's almost like that part of his brain has been paralyzed. I hope he is willing to get some type of treatment. Its a long journey, but it helps. If he is not ready to commit to some type of treatment for his PTSD, I hope you will get some counseling for yourself. Understanding PTSD will help you to understand the way he acts. I'm not saying we are making excuses for them... But the more U know about the disorder, the more you can help your husband. If you need someone to talk to who knows first hand what you're going through, please e mail me. I know sometimes I feel so alone, and it helps to just know that there are other wives who live my life everyday. My e mail is l_gaw@hotmail.com A soldiers wife, Lisa

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  4. I know those shoes well ,I've been there too many times and walked in those shoes I have found that taking a me day helps whether its going for a walk ,window shopping ,volunteering at my church in the nursery something about rocking a baby just lets me escape or helping those in need visiting a nursing home sometimes helping others in need is such a way to forget for just a few minutes and yes talking to others and knowing you are not alone and dont give up God is still working "put your heart right ,reach out to god put away evil and wrong from your home,then face the world again ,firm and courageous,then all your troubles will fade from your memory ,like floods that are past and remember no more .your life will be brighter than sunshine at noon and life's darkest hours will shine like dawn you will live secure and full of hope (Job 11:13-18 ) God bless you ,Mari

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  5. I know your pain it's been along journey. After figuring out what we were dealing with, and then some how finding the appropriate way to address my husband he had a problem cause no one likes the finger pointed at them. I got educated with as many resources as possible on ptsd as long as your inform you can't fear it and you can deal and cope so much better. And you found this website so you are on your way. I love this website it lets me know I'm not alone in this fight for a happy calm home. I wish I could say so much but it's just a post. But just remember who you are, what do you like to do. This disease can consume you. So get out and start small make sure you don't forget about you. You are important and you are worth swimming for.

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  6. This made me cry. I completely feel for you. I feel like you just explained what I have been trying to figure out for months.For the past year my husband has been so distant and I just feel like everything he says is true and I just honestly dont know how much more I can take but I do love him and I want to be there for him its just very hard with a newborn. I feel like I have two babies and no husband. I'm sorry I dont have any advice for you. Just know that you arent alone and thank you for writing this because I really see that I am not alone and maybe there is hope.

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  7. I am married to a Vietnam combat vet. I have been with this guy on and off for 25 years. It's been a hell of a ride. Just this past spring after all this time we finally married. I have experienced what some therapists call secondary post traumatic stress disorder. Its when you are with somebody who has PTSD, and after time, you develop the same symptoms. We suffer right alongside our Vets. We are the silent sufferers. The only thing that really helped me is going to support groups. It's not something you can discuss with just anyone...who would understand? Just as the combat vet can only really relate to other combat vets, we can only relate to other spouses/partners who are experiencing the same thing. It can work...there is hope...I went through most of this relationship feeling like I was his prostitute, not a partner. Only recently has he been able to actually show me real affection. It's been 25 years of heartbreak and pain, but I love the man, and we worked it through. Not easily. The only comfort I had at times was talking to other women who were experiencing the same. It takes away that feeling of isolation and feeling like you are fighting a battle all by yourself. You are doing the right thing by reaching out to others....I wish you the best. There are strategies and techniques to deal with certain aspects of PTSD, but know when to walk away. You may be able to come back, but protect yourself first and foremost.

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  8. I have these same sentiments of needing to turn to my partner and not being able to truly rely on him because he is barely hanging on as well...

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