Before I start my story, please let me state that I love my husband to death. I love him with every inch of my body and every beat of my heart. I have been by his side his entire military career, which includes: boot camp, SOI, and two back-to-back deployments (that does not include the training, and etc. etc. etc.) For those of you who think we as wives know what we are getting into when we married a marine---YOU ARE DEAD WRONG!!! Yes, I married a marine, but it did not come with a hand book, especially how to deal with a marine, and your marine, who has PTSD.
It is a shame that when I married my husband, he was only home and we were only married for less than a month when he did his first deployment to Iraq. He came home, however, a different person with a child to raise on top of that. He was impatient, angry, and etc. Before, he was the kind of man that never yelled or raised his voice to me. He was soft, kind, and gentle. Don’t get me wrong, he is still that way but it comes in strives. I gave birth to our son when he was deployed and took care of the home front...I went from being a single, on-my-own women...to a wife and mother. I had to move away from the only home I had ever known - to a whole new area away from my family, friends, job, and college...to follow the man I loved...that in itself takes a lot of love, courage, and dedication. I have no regrets, don’t get me wrong, yet I feel like I do not get enough credit for the sacrifices I have made. I always hear of the sacrifices he has made for us, and believe me I know he has...I am so proud of him and what he has done because I don’t think I could ever do what he did or see what he saw...however, I still do not think I get enough credit for the strength, sacrifice, and pain I go through.
It started with Iraq...things started to change. With him and us, however, there was no time to deal with it because seven months later, after his deployment, he was off again but to Afghanistan. That deployment, I feel was the death of him. He did things there and saw things there that a human being should never witness or do. It also breaks my heart because I would give anything...I would give my last breath to take his pain away, but I just don’t think he realizes that. He does not see the pain that I go through because I was not there. No, I did not go to war, however, I have had to deal with the after math of war...a side that I do not feel is published or spoken about enough.
It is a tough spot to be in because you feel alone, you feel broken, frustrated, tired, and like you are drowning...you want to turn to your spouse, your partner, love, and best friend, however, he cannot save you because he is trying to hold on to you because he is doing the same thing. So I have always put my emotions to the side, swallowed my pain and frustration and tended to him. However, I feel myself becoming unhealthy and I feel myself starting to lose my mind. I just do not know how much more I can take of this and the sad part is I try to tell my husband this but he cannot hear me. I feel like I am screaming at the top of my lungs but no one can hear me. I am a strong women, that is no joke because I have been through so much and I am still pushing while everything is still getting in my way and trying to hold me back or down. However, I am starting to burn out and I am feeling myself starting to burn out mentally and physically. I just wish America knew that sacrifice that comes with their freedoms. I also wish my husband and everyone else could see and feel the pain I am going through. I am sorry this is a long story, but I had a lot to say and needed to get it out....
Submitted By: A Drowning Wife