Monday, September 24, 2012

Heart Broken and Confused

My story began in 2009...

My husband faced his first deployment to Iraq while he was in the Army. He was prior Air Force before the army and was a medic. He was on home base support when we invaded Iraq. He enlisted in the Army in 2006 after being turned down by the Air Force due to them downgrading and not allowing prior airmen to re-enlist. He went through all of his training. During this time I was pregnant with our first child. He received orders to our first duty station with the Army, where we were for two and a half years. At the beginning of 2009 he deployed for twelve months. So my son and I, who was a baby made it through those 12 months together.

He returned home unharmed physically, yet I started to notice that something was wrong pretty soon after he came home. He wasn't the same man that he was before. He started to isolate himself from my son and me and from friends. He would get on his computer and play a game for hours, until early morning hours because he was unable to sleep. We began to fight all the time. Nothing was ever the same. We have always had great communication and honesty, since our marriage began in 2002 until this time. He became silent and only spoke to me if it was important. I told him several times that he needed to get help, and of course he denied that he needed help and said he was fine.

So in 2010 we had to relocate to our second duty station with the Army. During this time, I was pregnant with our second child, delivering her three months after our move. Soon after things went downhill and he hit rock bottom. He finally decided to get help through the Army. His chain of command and he decided that we will go through a medical board and get medically discharged from the Army. He was diagnosed with PTSD and severe anxiety and depression disorder, as well as with sleep apnea and insomnia. So in early 2011 we made the decision for our children and I to move back home with family for support so that I could go back to work and not have to pay for child care. We just weren't making it on one income anymore.

It took a year and a half for my hubby to be medically discharged. We were separated all that time except for a brief visit home for the holidays. He just recently returned home. We moved into a house and are still getting settled. He has been home for a month now and we are struggling trying to keep our heads above water. He had told me on the phone that things will be very different when he comes home cause he isn't the same person he was since the last time we were together around the holidays. I guess I just wasn't prepared for how different it was going to be. He came home and I didn't know who he was. He re-bonded with our children just fine. But with me is a total different thing. He told me to be patient until he can start his therapy with the VA. I honestly am trying to be. I'm hurting deeply inside. He said that we still need to communicate that we always have in the past. I told him that how can I do that when I don't even know you? My husband was always very affectionate. He hasn't even touched me or shown any interest in me as a person. I'm do confused and heartbroken. I feel guilty about feeling this way, but I'm having a hard time controlling my feelings. I know that what he is going through is way worse. He said he doesn't know himself and he can't have a relationship with anyone until he gets help. He was on medications, but stopped taking them due to how they made him feel. He is a true picture of PTSD.

We don't even have a friendship, never mind a marriage. I just don't know what to do. I'm always on edge wondering everyday how I'm going to feel based in his mood. I've never felt so alone I'm my life. I feel so selfish for feeling the way I do. I just don't know how to turn off my feelings. My hubby and I just co exist and share a house with with our children. I can only hope we make it through this. We have always had a strong marriage until these last few years. God only knows what our future holds. Please pray for my family and me.

Submitted By: A Heart Broken Wife

1 comment:

  1. I'm sorry you're going through this. We have gone through that many times over the past few years. There are so many ups and downs with PTSD. I just had to decide to "let go" of my "old" husband, and accept the "new" one. It hurts so much when they won't even look at you or speak to you... Forget holding your hand or a hug. But, I have learned to just take it one day at a time. When he is going through a real hard time, me and the kids just go on with our daily life. He comes back around... It wasn't easy getting to this point. It has taken years for me to learn how to cope. I had to "mourn" the loss of my husband, and get to know this new man who came home to me. I pray that this gets easier for you. I hope he starts therapy soon. My husband is off his meds right now, for the same reason yours is... They are so stubborn! Please get some counseling for yourself too. The wife of a soldier with PTSD is one of the hardest things we will ever do. E mail me if you need someone to talk to. -Lisa