My husband faced his first deployment to Iraq while he was in the Army. He was prior Air Force before the army and was a medic. He was on home base support when we invaded Iraq. He enlisted in the Army in 2006 after being turned down by the Air Force due to them downgrading and not allowing prior airmen to re-enlist. He went through all of his training. During this time I was pregnant with our first child. He received orders to our first duty station with the Army, where we were for two and a half years. At the beginning of 2009 he deployed for twelve months. So my son and I, who was a baby made it through those 12 months together.
It took a year and a half for my hubby to be medically discharged. We were separated all that time except for a brief visit home for the holidays. He just recently returned home. We moved into a house and are still getting settled. He has been home for a month now and we are struggling trying to keep our heads above water. He had told me on the phone that things will be very different when he comes home cause he isn't the same person he was since the last time we were together around the holidays. I guess I just wasn't prepared for how different it was going to be. He came home and I didn't know who he was. He re-bonded with our children just fine. But with me is a total different thing. He told me to be patient until he can start his therapy with the VA. I honestly am trying to be. I'm hurting deeply inside. He said that we still need to communicate that we always have in the past. I told him that how can I do that when I don't even know you? My husband was always very affectionate. He hasn't even touched me or shown any interest in me as a person. I'm do confused and heartbroken. I feel guilty about feeling this way, but I'm having a hard time controlling my feelings. I know that what he is going through is way worse. He said he doesn't know himself and he can't have a relationship with anyone until he gets help. He was on medications, but stopped taking them due to how they made him feel. He is a true picture of PTSD.
We don't even have a friendship, never mind a marriage. I just don't know what to do. I'm always on edge wondering everyday how I'm going to feel based in his mood. I've never felt so alone I'm my life. I feel so selfish for feeling the way I do. I just don't know how to turn off my feelings. My hubby and I just co exist and share a house with with our children. I can only hope we make it through this. We have always had a strong marriage until these last few years. God only knows what our future holds. Please pray for my family and me.
Submitted By: A Heart Broken Wife