I am standing here watching, watching him as he sleeps. He is on the couch again. He often times ends up on the couch. The only sound in the room is his
snoring. Snoring that wouldn’t be there
if he were sleeping in the bed wearing his CPAP mask like he is suppose to
be. Of course most nights despite
starting out wearing it, I will wake up to his snoring and the mask off to the
side forgotten.
The
Caregiver in me wants to stir him awake long enough to move him back to the bed
and coax him to wear his mask again. It
is suppose to help him breath and thus help him seek better rest. The Caregiver in me wants that for him so he
doesn’t struggle so much during the day because he is exhausted. It’s bad enough he has to fight through the
drowsiness his medications cause him, helping him find more restful sleep is
suppose to make it easier for him to fight that, but it doesn’t work if he
doesn’t use it.
The
Roommate in me wants to scowl and yell at him to wake up. There is cleaning to be done and I don’t wish
to be stuck with doing it all. I have to
handle our two young children as it is and trying to clean with them underfoot
by myself is a battle I just don’t want to deal with if I don’t have to. I mean he knew our plans for today so he
should have known I wouldn’t want him sleeping the day away. It doesn’t help that it seems like every time
we make plans to handle something, he won’t wake up or he doesn’t feel
good. It really grates on a person’s
nerves and thus makes me feel like he doesn’t care.
The
friend in me wants to let him be for another hour or two and try again. He probably had a bad night with pain and
nightmares that he could use the rest.
Why bother him when he needs to rest?
If I did bother him he would just wake up grumpy and then we’d all have
to deal with the negative fog that would fill the house. No, letting him rest another few hours won’t
hurt. It is still early enough in the
day that we can tackle things later.
The
Wife in me gives him a kiss on the forehead and lets him sleep; taking the mug
of coffee I made him back to the kitchen.
The Wife in me understands. The
Wife in me has done this before, many times.
The Wife in me doesn’t need an explanation, she doesn’t need an apology,
she already knows. This is why she makes
being a Caregiver easy.
Since
the Wife in me has done this for years and learned to adapt to most of it, I
say most because it is unpredictable so I am always learning more, but the
point I am making is the Wife in me has been playing Caregiver long before the
title was ever given.
I was
already monitoring his moods. I was
already handling his medications. I was
already picking up the slack in the house when he couldn’t do something. I was already bringing calm to his
chaos. I was already bringing light to
his darkness. I was already giving him
something to lean on when he couldn’t stand.
I was already doing all of this and more because I was here. No one told me how to do it. I didn’t take any classes or formal training
to make it work. I just went with my gut
instinct based on the things I already saw and dealt with regarding his
trouble.
I struggled with it in the
beginning because I didn’t understand. I
shed many tears and screamed many words.
Sometimes I still do, but they are different tears and different
screams. Instead of tears of sadness and
pain because I didn’t get it, they are tears of frustration or mental release
because it isn’t always easy. Instead of
screams of insults and “Why’s?” I scream from frustration because other people
don’t get it.
The truth though is it doesn’t
matter.
It doesn’t matter if other people
don’t get it, because I do. Since I get
it and I care enough to help my husband work through it all, he knows he isn’t
forgotten. He may not see it on the surface,
but deep down under the stress, the anger, the depression, all of the
struggles, he knows. That helps him keep
fighting, fighting to still be a part of this life.
So, the Wife in me turns to the
Caregiver, the Roommate, and the Friend in me and gives them a big calm smile
and tells them in a soft but firm voice, “It will be alright.” Then they return the smile and altogether
they make a new plan to handle the day ahead.
Submitted by Aimee T
This is a great post . Thank you . Im not married to my vet and i met him after he came home and I fell in love with him before i knew he had any mental disabilities . I feel the same way . Thank you .
ReplyDeleteI couldn't have said it better myself! You totally captured how I feel on any given day! Thank you for sharing!!! Sometimes it feels as if the whole world is crushing down on my shoulders. We do what we do because of love.
ReplyDeleteYou said exactly how I was feeling yesterday. I have a lot of "yesterdays" but you know how you feel like nobody understands and it just makes it worse? Thanks for your wonderful tribute to all of us caregivers who just needed to know we're not alone today.
ReplyDeleteThanks.
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