I have never blogged or written my story for public consumption. After November 5, 2009 I have kept feelings, emotions and words to myself.
Maybe, just maybe this will allow some type of escape for my mind &
soul.
I began dating my beautiful husband (in my eyes, looks like
Kirk Douglas), after meeting him on a Cruise, in March of 2009. We knew instantly that we would be together
forever. We dated, loved and laughed…..I knew from the beginning that he was in the Army, but I was
surprised and caught unaware, when he shared with me that he needed/wanted to
go on “one more” deployment. I saw how
much it meant to him as his military career of 20+ years was drawing to an
end….I understood that financially it was a good decision, so I trusted him, I
trusted the Army and I trusted God with the love of my life.
He began training exercises in July of that year and
before we knew it, he was at Ft. Hood, awaiting deployment. Taking my soldier to the airport that time
was the hardest and most painful thing I had ever experienced. Did I mention that I had no experience with
military life? Have I mentioned we were still dating…seriously dating…planning for
the future, but just dating none the less?
Anyway, on November 5, 2009, Major Nidal Hasan entered the
SRP at Ft Hood TX, my love was being processed when Hasan opened fire….barely missing
love, killing 13 people and injuring many many others. My cell phone rang, Love said, “Something
horrible is happening here…..” I hear
BANG BANG BANG……I hear screaming…I hear shouts to my love, “Soldier…are you
hit???” Soldier…are you hit” Love replied “No Sir.” Love says to me…..”Call my family…..tell them
I am OK…..do not believe everything the media will put out there.”
This was when our journey in PTSD land began. My love became
confused…..I could hear fear. He said he didn’t know where to go or what to
do. I had to step up and say "find your unit….find your unit…..hang up the
phone…be safe and find your unit. I will take care of everything here". That day, I became his Caregiver, only I didn’t
know there was a word for what I was going to start doing.
My love deployed 4 weeks after that horrible day. He was numb, angry, scared, frustrated and
depressed. He was dark, harsh and
unfeeling. He was disconnected and
disengaged, yet enraged.
When Love came home, I had taken a lot of time researching and learning everything I could about PTSD.
As soon as leave was up in January 2011, we were at the VA, knocking on
doors. We documented everything well and found a great support team for him.
I will say that support and care for me, the spouse was
non-exiisting. No one on his team, even
though I went to every appointment he ever told me about told me that I was qualified for
the Caregiver Program. Our days are filled with meds, appointments
& uncertainty.
Love’s anger began to turn violent toward me. Many bruises, lots of fear, life threatened,
led us to seek out inpatient treatment facility.
So what has helped us……counseling……He goes to his, I go to
mine and we go to couples counseling.
Support groups, even those on Facebook.
I have learned that there is a
network of women out there who have gone through and are going through the
exact same things that we are going through.
I stopped expecting Love to be the man he used to be. I love who he is and I understand that my
roll in his life is critical. I am the
constant……but I do have bad days. I
recently lost my dad…..Love was there for me….as much as he could be
I do not believe that you overcome PTSD, but I believe that
we have tools to protect ourselves from PTSD overcoming us. I have learned that I do not have to be
perfect in the world of imperfection, but I do have to be adaptable. I have
risen to this point by staying focused on his treatment without losing
myself. I never stop looking for things
to benefit him, thus benefiting our life together.
Hope is the key to rising above. When I feel hopeless, I reach out to others
who can encourage me. We cannot lose
hope. I have learned that the occasional glimmers of progress and hope are
to be received and treated with the same excitement and jubilation of
fireworks on the 4th of July.
Happy Fourth of July Everyone…..
Kathy
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