Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Needing Support the Most

Just a few weeks ago, I found myself beginning to hit bottom. I was at a loss on so many things in life and where my life was headed. I was battling my own demons, while watching my husband struggle with his from combat.

As I stood in my living room holding a bottle of pain meds in my hand, there was a moment that an out of place thought ran through my head of "take one...or just take them all". Never, has anything like that even crossed my mind. I honestly stood there debating whether or not to take them all because I felt like I was hitting bottom.

I felt like I was just shattering into a million tiny pieces with no one to help pick me back up. I was crumbing with nowhere to fall and with no one to fall into. I have a large amount of friends that surround me and say they are here, but I had I admitted these thoughts to any of them they would have told me to go to the ER, seek emergency help or they would tell me how sorry they are that things are as they are. Neither of what I was looking for. I wanted an outlet. I wanted to scream and yell. I wanted a friend to just hear me out, to hear my thoughts and feelings as I was at a point that I had never reached.

I tried not too long ago to talk to someone and was told that since I wasn't suicidal or homicidal, I could wait to talk to someone in the mental health field because others had a priority. Well, damn, if that's the way people that feel such as I have lately, I understand how one can reach the point of suicidal thoughts.

No, I am not going to harm myself. I would never take my life, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I am just frustrated and honestly feel like I am an emotional mess on a never ending roller coaster. There is that small part of me that has wondered if my family and friends would be better off without me. My husband looked at me a month ago and said "You always say how unstable and explosive I am...Look at you". I felt like it would have been better had he just hit me. I think I could have handled that much better.

I sent my husband to war twice. I helped him pack his bags. I watched as the military took him to combat, to fight against monsters. I stood beside him through it all and as he came home a different man from the first deployment, just to deploy again a year and a half later after receiving no help and fighting himself from the hell that he had lived in.

His first deployment may not have left me without my husband physically, but it left me without my husband mentally. He returned home someone that physically and mentally was struggling, on edge, apprehensive, and battling his own fierce demons.

I have struggled with the severity of my husbands injuries and the fact that as the days pass, I realize he is not getting better and in many ways, becoming worse. I have battled my own demons that many do not know about nor have they taken the time to learn. Yet, I tend to put a smile on my face and act as though all is okay. I stand strong, when there are times I feel so weak. There are days I want to fall apart, that I want support...yet I have no idea how to even bring these things up to those that call themselves a friend.

It's those that appear to be the strongest, that often need support the most....

Submitted Anonymously

7 comments:

  1. I've been in this same living Hell for 44 years. I know that place of drowning and thinking that no one, friends or family, would or could possibly understand how it feels to think and feel the way I was feeling. The feelings that you described when you felt it would have hurt less if your husband had slapped you; I have felt that pain when my husband told me that I needed to get a life! Your pain is validated. You are not crazy but you are hurting.

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  2. I am right there with you. I'm fighting for every breath. I want to check out of my life and check into a hospital. I want just one person to see how much I HURT, but I CAN'T. I have to be strong, right? I can't fall apart. I have to be the rock, the solid ground, the one who shouldn't cry. Although, all I do is cry in silence alone in a closet so no one sees. I have to be here to take care of everything; the kids, the house, the dogs, my not so sure/might soon be my ex-husband. This hurts more now then it did when I didn't know what was happening. I was damned then and damned now. I don't want to involve my friends and family. This is something that they shouldn't be put through, myself, our kids, and some of our friends have and are suffering enough. I have wished too that he would just hit me, now I wish I could lay down and have him kick me. I know, I know, I know how you feel!

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    1. I can so relate to what each of you are saying. A little over a year ago, I was at a breaking point myself. I remember begging my counselor to "send me to a hospital somewhere" and "lock me up" because I feared I might hurt someone or myself. I cannot tell any of you how to find your way out of where you are -- we are each on a different journey -- but I can tell you that it is possible to find peace and rest in the chaos. For me, it was a slow process of getting help for MYSELF, regardless of what was happening with my husband. And I had to start asking for help -- I look back now and think, "Why did I do that to myself?" Don't assume that others don't care or won't understand or don't want to help. I made that mistake -- I never asked for help, and then I resented everyone for not being able to read my mind and see my pain . That was so unfair to them and to myself. My husband eventually became so bad that he attempted suicide (twice)-- by standing off with the police and hoping they would shoot him. It will sound crazy, but for us, it was the best thing that could have happened -- why? because our secret pain was put out in the newspaper for everyone to see. And when the dust settled, so many people said, "I never knew...why didn't you tell me? I wish I would have known." My husband still has all of his PTSD symptoms, he still struggles with depression, he is still in the early years of sobriety. But...the difference is that we have chosen not to do it alone anymore. You may have to look past the circle of people that you would instinctively have considered "friends", and it may take some time... but God never intends for us to walk this road alone. There is support out there -- hang in there until you find it. Please don't keep this pain to yourself...it will destroy you. God Bless!

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  3. Yes I so understand its been two years of keeping quiet ,trying to manage everything from home,job wife,mother,friend daughter employee,ect a tough role with everything bottled up wanting to scream,cry and just relax and enjoy what life has to offer then it strikes hitting below the belt knocking the breath out of you and the feeling of giving up is the only door left, I am there its only getting worse or shall I say he is only getting worse the va is a joke the run around its about all that comes from them find myself jumping on that wagon too I reach out and find myself doubting that ppl really want to hear my horrible story and I am just a pain to my family friends and so I hate to burden them His family doesnt want to help at all its all about you married him ur problem I am faced with making the decision to end our marriage because i feel like he wont have to worry about anyone but himself as much as i want it to work I feel like I have no choice but to let him go for fear that not only will he take his life one day he may take mine and all of this will affect my daughter I feel ashamed with the thoughts I have and keep bottled up I have tons of stress thats its affecting my health I have two jobs and always trying to find ways to keep food on the table bills paid ect as he is to sick to keep a job so yes Strong we are and strength and peace I pray for everyone affected by PTSD God Bless you pleae know you are not alone

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  4. Wow...i am right there too. and i don't know what to do. and i'm sorry but from where i am no does want to help or knows how to help. we aren't married because of what this has robbed from us but we've been together a long time. i'm so sick of the chaos and the yelling and the horrible things being said. i keep trying to help. wanting to help. i read and research and want to do but his solution: just shut up. well it doesn't work. life has to go on. i have feelings and wants to. things have to get done. i have to be able to let him know things or ask him questions. there is no solution and yea i do feel awful for him. it's wrong that this had to happen but at what point does this cycle stop? it just makes life seem like such a waste and that nothings lasts especially anything good. my life has been put on hold because of this. and i'm becoming very resentful.

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  5. I think many of us hold it in because we aren't sure how to explain it to others and then we feel weak when saying something. I struggle with finding the right words to tell people what I am going through or that I feel like I am falling apart and I can no longer keep a grip on my own life. It's hard when you go from a normal life, to dealing with a deployment, to literally having a stranger return. Especially when that stranger that you fell in love with is bitter, angry, has flashbacks, nightmares and struggles with things that he or she would have never struggled with before. I feel as if there is no relief at times. And I have had the same thoughts of feeling alone and wondering why no one just knew.

    Thank you all for reading this and commenting. If any of you want to talk, please email brittney@familyofavet.com. We each need to remember, we are not alone. It's hard to keep that in mind many days.

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    1. I've been dealing with everything since 2005 when a stranger got off that bus (little did I know). I hugged him so tight thinking he was my husband... so dam grateful he came back home (two soldiers with him that day did not. God Bless them and their families). Since 2005 it has been a wild roller coaster then in April of this year our world imploded.
      I know how you are feeling been there many times. I thought hey my dad was in Vietnam I grew up with this... I can handle this. Well I hit my breaking point. I am now getting help finally and finding out I don't have to do this on my own. You need to find people who understand what you are going through. My friends were of no help. They told me divorce him ect. His family has been of no help. They make comments like he is fine, there is nothing wrong with him. Really??? Wow OK you come live with him then! My mom has been helpful of course cause we lived it. Getting counseling for yourself will be the key. I just started, and after the first session I felt some of the weight lifting off of my shoulders. I have a long road ahead but now I think there is hope. Please make sure it is a counselor that knows what you are going through. Good luck and God bless.

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