Monday, February 6, 2012

I am sad

I'm having an incredibly, overwhelmingly, amazingly difficult time the last month or so. I am sad. And everything I read or see, no matter how small or stupid, makes it 10 times worse. Like my stupid cat was laying under the chair and when I moved it hurt her toe and now I want to sob. I would blame it on hormones, but it's been too long. Not at all suicidal (nobody freak out), but thinking things that aren't at all in my normal thought vocabulary... things I know could head me in that direction eventually... things I know are not my normal way of thinking.

Funny thing. You're the first person I've told. Haven't been able to bring myself to actually say this to anyone. I keep trying... opening my mouth... but just can't quite get the words out.

Everything in my world is getting to be too much and there's nothing that I can or would back off from, so I'm not sure what to do about that. There's just so much pressure... so many ways and places that an "average" day in this unstable world with PTSD and TBI can go wrong... so many things to worry about, watch for, wait on. There's so much responsibility and chaos and guessing and confusion. There's so much weight... so much weight.

I feel old. And ragged. And used up.

How does one get over feeling used up at just past thirty?

I miss him. I miss carefree days. I miss silliness. I miss relaxation. I miss not planning. I miss a lot. But I'm going to stop typing, before I cry again.

9 comments:

  1. I am a vet with PTSD. I am over 40 and I miss myself just the way that I used to be. I am always stressed, anxious, and I don't know what to do with myself most times because I have no other choice because of the schedule I keep. I am more emotional than I have even been. I am pretty sure that it is because my daughter (I am a single parent) will be graduating next year and I have spent the past 17 years giving all that I have left to her. I feel lost when I think of her leaving home. I am angry about the personal costs that I have suffered because I wanted to serve my country. It is difficult to even think about starting one's life over AGAIN at 42. It is also difficult to share with people in my life and my family does not understand; how could they? Your message really touched me and I wish for you strength in regaining what you are missing.

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  2. Hugs, Anonymous... I wish for you that same strength. Thank you for all you've given, both to your country and to your daughter. May you find peace and joy. I get it. Maybe there's comfort it that for all of us... none of us are alone.

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  3. I am sitting here sobbing cause I am so sad too and feel like I can't take anymore I am too overwhelmed and don't know what to do. My husband is the one with PTSD and TBI. I feel so lost alone. Im gonna lay here and pray for you and me both.

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    1. I once was told, and have since stolen the words, "My husband has PTSD, but PTSD has my family". I even made shirts out it....

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  4. Hugs to all of you. It is more of a burden than anyone can imagine to live with - one step forward, two steps back.
    I have to believe that your strength is gonna lead you to do more than most could ever be capable of. Like the heros that defend the rights of people that they don't know, based on a belief in freedom, you have been signed up and joined in the battle. You didn't know you'd have that role but you have now. You protect the freedom now, without a gun, or an official recognition for your job. Thank you for doing that military family job that is unpaid and unknown.
    Sadness is part of your soul. It is unfair. All I can offer is virtual hugs and a promise that love is always the answer. True love for your husband and children is stronger than all the sadness in the world. Its all that is important and real.

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  5. I am not a vet nor am I married to one. I stumbled across this forum via Twitter. Your posts have touched me deeply and I want you to know that I said a prayer for every one of you. I will continue to pray that you find comfort in knowing that others are with you if not physically but in our thoughts. Thanks for taking the time to read this and may God bless you and your family.

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  6. I want to let you know that someone else cares about you too. I'm sorry you are sad and I pray the Lord's comfort over you and guidance out of the sadness. I have become a stronger military wife (we are still in process of military retirement due to injuries), I have become a better and more compassionate caregiver to my husband and a better mother to my children for the above two reasons....and it's because of you and your candid blog that is your life...so thank you, more than I can ever express.
    I know that for me, I see a counselor, of my own once a week, this gives me a set time and place for me to be me, to express me, figure me out, and I don't always end up discussing my husband or his injuries anymore....it has been a part of what helps me see outside of that small world, and celebrate that I too am a person, a woman, with needs and wishes and even my own goals today. I can cry, I can laugh, it feels really good!
    I also do some activities outside of the house, without my husband or children, such as going to Bingo with a few girlfriends, once a month. I attend church functions, sometimes. I go for walks at night with my dog. My husband is either asleep or playing PS3, so it's a perfect break from one another. Also, I pray.
    My husband and I also go to marriage counseling, weekly. It's given us some good opportunity to talk about whats going on in each of us or together, and sometimes it's the most intimate thing we do with each other that whole week, and it too feels so good.
    I don't know the severity of your husband's injuries, I only know the severity of my husband's injuries, and I know what is working for me to help me stay sane....I only wanted to share them with you if just even one of them might help you overcome some saddness.
    I have chosen to be proactive in my own life, I have chosen to stand beside my husband, but I have chosen not to allow him or his injuries to define me. This is a hard balance to find, but I have and this is how I'm doing it. Much love and respect to you- Ashley

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  8. I *know* this feeling. I hate it. If its not me being angry, its me being sad. I used to be really happy. I did :) People used to love that about me....now I'm bitter, and skeptical, and tired. I hate it. I do. I wish more people paid more attention to the entire family systems that are being raped by ptsd and tbi. It is ruining us all.

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