I'm having an incredibly, overwhelmingly, amazingly difficult time the last month or so. I am sad. And everything I read or see, no matter how small or stupid, makes it 10 times worse. Like my stupid cat was laying under the chair and when I moved it hurt her toe and now I want to sob. I would blame it on hormones, but it's been too long. Not at all suicidal (nobody freak out), but thinking things that aren't at all in my normal thought vocabulary... things I know could head me in that direction eventually... things I know are not my normal way of thinking.
Funny thing. You're the first person I've told. Haven't been able to bring myself to actually say this to anyone. I keep trying... opening my mouth... but just can't quite get the words out.
Everything in my world is getting to be too much and there's nothing that I can or would back off from, so I'm not sure what to do about that. There's just so much pressure... so many ways and places that an "average" day in this unstable world with PTSD and TBI can go wrong... so many things to worry about, watch for, wait on. There's so much responsibility and chaos and guessing and confusion. There's so much weight... so much weight.
I feel old. And ragged. And used up.
How does one get over feeling used up at just past thirty?
I miss him. I miss carefree days. I miss silliness. I miss relaxation. I miss not planning. I miss a lot. But I'm going to stop typing, before I cry again.