Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Fight or Flight

Fight or Flight... These are words I have heard more times than I care to think about....

I remember the first time I ever heard my husband utter the words "Fight or Flight", I stood there and just looked at him like he had a horn growing from his head trying to understand what in the world he was referring to. As the days turned into weeks, months, and then years it all dawned on me. To stay alive when deployed he literally had to live by these words. He either had to run like hell for his life or he had to fight like hell to stay alive. Honestly, I don't think these words hold much meaning until one is placed into the situation that they have to live by the "fight or flight" motto.

Looking back over the years and deployments, I feel like these words are what helped to keep my husband alive and often, it's like they still keep him alive. It's hard to explain really. I struggle with accepting, I guess you could say, the reality of the possibility that Kevin will always be like this and will continue living by this motto. Will he ever let up on it or will this be one of those things that get him through his days? Will he ever feel "safe" in life or will everything be a threat as it has the past almost five years?

I feel so frustrated, angry, heartbroken and lost in ways that I never thought I would be because Kevin isn't the man that I married so long ago... He isn't the man that I fell in love with twelve years ago before the army ever came to be apart of our lives and even though this is exactly where I want to be, I struggle with accepting this is how things will be from here on out. Maybe accepting is the wrong word to use...I mean, this is our reality now, these our are lives.

I have noticed on many occasions that when things get tough or tense, the words "fight or flight" seem to be the first thing to pop out of his mouth. It is to the point that when I see something that would set him off, those are the first words that now come to my mind and as more time passes, I can see how those words kept him alive through his deployments. In some surreal way... it all makes sense...

Brittney Biddle
Proud Wife of a Wounded OIF Combat Veteran
FOV Communications Liaison
brittney@familyofavet.com

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