My boyfriend and I met when he was overseas. We fell in love and I couldn't have been happier. A few months later he returned home permanently - and the transition began...
I've never known someone with combat PTSD before - so the past 9 months have been a learning experience. I have seen him struggle, transition and much more than imagined.
The problem is that I keep asking myself; "When do I finally give up?"... "When do I realize that we cannot work and I cannot live like this anymore?"
He knows he needs to get professional help, he knows he needs to be on medication, yet he refuses. He has turned into an absolute monster - mentally and emotionally abusive. Sadly, I can't talk to him about it because it will turn into an arguement and he will flip everything around just to say it is all my fault. He tells me that I'm like 3 different people, he doesn't trust, he is paranoid, he acts immature, he overreacts to everything, he makes an issue out of everything, he is always looking for confrontation and conflict. Does this sound familiar to anyone?
A "good" day for me, is one in which we can co-exist without excessive tension. He sucks the life out of me. He always has one foot out the door, he always pushes me away. I fight daily to be with him. He
pushes and pushes and pushes, and I fight to keep him close. And by the time I feel like I have caught up to him, I have no strength to even be myself - I'm too tired to have fun, to smile, to be affectionate and
loving. I'm so jaded from fighting for him and fighting for us!
I'm the one who went to talk to a therapist. ME! He won't see one with me together, he won't talk to one on his own, even though he has admitted that he needs to and needs to get on medication - something to "take the edge off".
I stay with him because I miss how things were in the beginning, and I haven't lost hope that somewhere, deep inside, the man I fell in love with is still there. I hold on because I feel like someday he will get help, he will get on medication, he will mature into a man, and we will be happy. But when will that happen? And at what cost to my mental health and well-being?
I don't stay with him because of comfort or security - because the truth is that his presence makes me more
uncomfortable and insecure than anything else.
I want to know - when do you, if ever, say enough is enough?! I'm hurting, crying everyday, my family is hurting seeing me go through the abuse. I make excuses for his behavior, I justify why he acts the way he
does - but at the end of the day....how can you be with someone who knows they are hurting you, knows that they could benefit from getting help, but they won't.
I'm so sick of everything being my fault, I'm so sick of him hating me and so sick of his anger. I'm a nervous wreck when we are out in public because he is quick to snap at people and make a scene.
I'm hurting. I'm so lost, so lonely, in so much pain. But the one person who should be showing me compassion, shows none. If I "ruffle any feathers" he just ends up getting defensive, attacking me and
turning everything around on me because its all my fault.
I'm sorry for venting but does anyone know how I feel? Can anyone relate? I feel like I'm dying, I can't breath and I'm drowning.
When does it stop?! What do I do?
Submitted by: Losing Faith