Thursday, December 1, 2011

Why Does He Hate Me?

My boyfriend and I met when he was overseas.  We fell in love and I couldn't have been happier.  A few months later he returned home permanently - and the transition began...

I've never known someone with combat PTSD before - so the past 9 months have been a learning experience.  I have seen him struggle, transition and much more than imagined.

The problem is that I keep asking myself; "When do I finally give up?"...  "When do I realize that we cannot work and I cannot live like this anymore?"

He knows he needs to get professional help, he knows he needs to be on medication, yet he refuses.  He has turned into an absolute monster - mentally and emotionally abusive.  Sadly, I can't talk to him about it because it will turn into an arguement and he will flip everything around just to say it is all my fault.  He tells me that I'm like 3 different people, he doesn't trust, he is paranoid, he acts immature, he overreacts to everything, he makes an issue out of everything, he is always looking for confrontation and conflict.  Does this sound familiar to anyone?

A "good" day for me, is one in which we can co-exist without excessive tension.  He sucks the life out of me.  He always has one foot out the door, he always pushes me away.  I fight daily to be with him.  He
pushes and pushes and pushes, and I fight to keep him close.  And by the time I feel like I have caught up to him, I have no strength to even be myself - I'm too tired to have fun, to smile, to be affectionate and
loving.  I'm so jaded from fighting for him and fighting for us!

I'm the one who went to talk to a therapist.  ME!  He won't see one with me together, he won't talk to one on his own, even though he has admitted that he needs to and needs to get on medication - something to "take the edge off".

I stay with him because I miss how things were in the beginning, and I haven't lost hope that somewhere, deep inside, the man I fell in love with is still there.  I hold on because I feel like someday he will get help, he will get on medication, he will mature into a man, and we will be happy.  But when will that happen?  And at what cost to my mental health and well-being?

I don't stay with him because of comfort or security - because the truth is that his presence makes me more
uncomfortable and insecure than anything else. 

I want to know - when do you, if ever, say enough is enough?!  I'm hurting, crying everyday, my family is hurting seeing me go through the abuse.  I make excuses for his behavior, I justify why he acts the way he
does - but at the end of the can you be with someone who knows they are hurting you, knows that they could benefit from getting help, but they won't.

I'm so sick of everything being my fault, I'm so sick of him hating me and so sick of his anger.  I'm a nervous wreck when we are out in public because he is quick to snap at people and make a scene.

I'm hurting. I'm so lost, so lonely, in so much pain.  But the one person who should be showing me compassion, shows none.  If I "ruffle any feathers" he just ends up getting defensive, attacking me and
turning everything around on me because its all my fault. 

I'm sorry for venting but does anyone know how I feel?  Can anyone relate?  I feel like I'm dying, I can't breath and I'm drowning.

When does it stop?!  What do I do?

 Submitted by: Losing Faith 


  1. your story sounds very similar to my own.. My husband is still on AD and I wish I knew of a way to force him in to treatment. He just seems to get worse everyday. We have separated but I feel that we could salvage things if he wold seek treatment. I too feel like I am drowning and can not comprehend the hatred towards me either. Sorry I don't have any answers, just wanted to let you know you are not alone

  2. There is a point when it becomes enough, and that's when he crosses the line to where he becomes abusive. PTSD IS AN EXCUSE-not a reason for an abuse. It is NEVER okay. it is not a symptom of the disease but rather a person trying to make their behavior okay by manipulating you into believing it is a symptom. My heart goes out to you, reading this post was like reading something I had written myself. This WAS my relationship, it was pure hell. He took away everything that was myself by each hateful word or behavior and I justified it with self guilt "because he had PTSD". It took a long time before I was able to walk away-and it was both the most painful and most relieving thing I've done in a long time. I suggest staying in therapy with a domestic violence certified therapist and slowly regain yourself and your strength. Take a hard look at why you are okay being with someone who treats you this way. If you decide to stay, take steps to find things that make you happy and start rebuilding your confidence. You are not the person he says you are and the issue is him, not you. If you leave, please know that you will find someone who will never take issue with every little thing you do. Because when you really love someone, you treat them as you do. All the best.

  3. Reading this post sounds like the story of the first 5 years of my marriage. My husband was deployed to Iraq in 2003 and when he came home it was obvious that he had changed. He was also mentally and emotionally abusive to me and I quickly began to believe all of the horrible things he said about me, which is why I stayed with him. PTSD wasn't something that anyone talked about at that time and I had never heard of it, so it was very easy for me to believe that I was the cause of his anger. He would get so mad at me over practically nothing and I began second guessing every decision I made to try to determine how he would react. It wasn't until his second deployment in 2006 that i heard about PTSD and began to realize that that was probably the cause of his problems. Every time I mentioned this to him he would get mad at me and tell me that it was normal for people to get mad and have nightmares which he would act out, and all of the other things he would do. All of his symptoms got even worse after that deployment and it wasn't until after his third deployment that he started getting treatment for his PTSD. Treatment is not a quick fix, he has been taking meds and seeing a dr. for over a year now and are just now seeing a more consistent improvement. I know I took the long way around, but my point is I went through what you are going through for about 6 years and I can honestly say that he will not get better unless he gets professional help. You need to decide how much more of yourself you are willing to lose before enough is enough and he either gets help or you leave. Good luck, I hope the best for you!

  4. It took me 8 yrs to figure out I couldn't be that way anymore. I really hope he decides to get help, but we can be hard headed. I feel for you and I hope things work out, but sometimes there comes a time when you tried your best, but you just have to walk away. I would like to take this time to tell my wife I'm sorry for everything, and I wish I would of got help sooner.

  5. Thank you so much for all your comments. We had a four hour fight last night - I basically went OFF - I didn't hold back, I spared no feelings, I told him exactly how I felt. I was just so sick of not being ME. I used to be a FUN person - I'm 29 years old, I like to act goofy, be IN the moment, live my life. Over the weekend he kept complaining about how I LOVE attention - I was listening to an "oldie" song at the diner and I started doing a litle goofy dance in the booth - he gave me dirty look and said "what are you doing - you just love trying to get attention don't you, I'm sorry I'm not like you - I don't like drawing attention to myself like you". Then, we get home and I open the blinds because I like to have sunlight coming in - he closed them with an attitude and said "once again, you just love the attention - I'm sorry but I don't like to be on display for everyone to see". REALLY?! Then, he tore into me again because when I get a little attitude, sometimes a little jersey accent comes out (I lived in NJ for several years I can't help it!) and he tells me its disgusting, and that it isn't me and I'm being FAKE. I am SO sick of it! He has a southern accent, and sometimes it sounds more "hillbilly" than other times, but WHO CARES? We are very different - but I accept ALL of him! So last night things boiled over - I told him I love him and HAVE loved him unconditionally, but that the PTSD is unbearable. Of course, he defended the PTSD - said that he LIKES having PTSD and I should stop blaming everything on it. I told him that in relationships people butt heads, they have fights, etc. Thats OK. But whats NOT ok is the ABUSE (which of course, he denies being abusive). Then he said that its all MY fault because I research PTSD, I look up abusive relationships, and now I LOOK for all of the symptoms and I'M the one causing all the problems and I'M dramatic. Are you SERIOUS?!?!?!?!!?!?! Can anyone relate to this??? Keep in mind, the whole time we were fighting he kept checking all the windows, thinking the police were going to show up - because I was being "loud" - which I WASN'T - I was emotional and crying...I wasn't yelling. But everytime we fight he yells at me calling me a "dumb bitch" telling me to stop yelling - when I cry he says I need to stop acting like a 5 year old, etc. Soooo...anyway...we go back and forth for four hours last night - he tells me that I maniupulate things, twist things about to make myself look like the victim, that I'M the one who is really the bully and I'M the one who causes everything.

  6. Then...out of nowhere...there was silence. He looked right at me and calmly said "I'm going to call the therapist tomorrow" and he broke down crying. And he does NOT cry or ever show ANY emotion! I held onto him and we both cried, he said "I'm so sorry" and he literally dropped to his knees shaking, sobbing in my arms. This has never happend before. A part of me is SO happy and feels a weight lifted that I got everything off my chest, and that I feel we finally had a "breakthrough" - but another part of me is skeptical and doesn't want to get my hopes up. I'm not perfect - I know that. I know there will be fights - but I can not and WILL NOT keep dealing with the ABUSE. I walk around afraid of my own shadow, not saying things or doing things because I don't want to upset him or have him bitch at me. I told him last night that we can TRY to work on things - I told him that I am going to be ME...jersey accent, goofy dances and all. I told him he needs to RELAX, LIVE AND LET LIVE. Life should be FUN, I should be SMILING, and the MAN I'm with should see that even if we are "different" - he should love all of my goofiness and little quirks - he should find them endearing instead of be threatened by them. I'm sorry I just went off venting! lol Just wanted to share what happened last night - maybe some of you can relate. I am hopeful last night was a step forward, but I am still unsure of the future. He will be talking to the therapist and also getting on medication to "take the edge off" - I really hope this helps! And I also hope he finaly does his claim for disability so that he can start going through the VA for help with PTSD, and maybe in the future we can get help together. But I know that now, he will not go through the VA because once they classify him with PTSD disability, he no longer has the option to re-enlist...and thats why he won't file his claim. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I really want to keep faith right now, but I'm torn :( Thank you so much to everyone reading this and commenting - it gives me such strength to knwo I'm not alone!

  7. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Those words sounds like they could have come right out of my mouth, I lived that for two years. He pushed me away for 2 years and I fought so hard to keep him close...I was seeing therapists, on meds, enduring domestic violence, walking on egg shells, all of. Six months ago I left. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, harder than staying, but he had this moment of rationality and care in which he wanted me to leave to save me, it was the first time he stopped pushing me away. He pulled me close enough to let me go. It's been a rocky road since then, I will always love him, but you are the only ONLY one who can decided what you want your life to look like. There are a lot of good blogs out there by women who walk in your shoes, I have one and I know so many others who are openly sharing their life in hopes yours might go a little smoother. Please search out a community of hope.

  8. Like everyone said...I could have written this. It's been over 4 years. I can't talk much about it, but I just wanted to say I understand.

  9. I'm at my limit. He shows nothing but disgust for me, has NO respect for me, takes me for granted and does nothing but tear me down. If I cry or show any emotion, he tells me to stop acting like I'm 5 years old and grow up. If I try to talk to him about ANYTHING, he tells me I need to get over it and his answer to everything is "whatever", "I don't even care anymore" and "I'm over it". Sadly, the more he says these things the more I HURT! I don't know what to do - I am dying inside and I don't know WHEN to just let go! Not to mention, I don't trust him at all - He has a history with talking to other women while being in a relationship - although he never actually meets up with them physically, I know he would talk to people on facebook or email in his past relationship, and I've caught him doing the same in our relationship months ago too. He likes the attention - and hes so paranoid his reply the last time I caught him was "well, I figured you were already talking to somebody anyway" - he is SPITEFUL. And NO...I haven't talked to ANYONE, EVER! My stomach is in knots and I feel like my life is absolue CRAP. What has happened to me? How did I allow this person to get such control over me? I'm MISERABLE and I'm so sick of sounding like a broken record!

  10. Dear Losing Faith, I can definitely relate to your struggles, and the other responses posted. My husband does the same behaviors when he gets triggered. It has taken a bit for me to understand what has been happening in my life, as well. I think that it is true that nothing justifies the abuse, and only you can decide if it reaches a point you need to leave. However, I think it is not a black-or-white decision and it is very important to seek support and help to clearly understand what is happening to your partner. I can assure you that the person you love still remains. It is the symptoms of the PTSD that has created a condition that requires treatment, not unlike other illness like cancer, diabetes, etc. There is huge stigma about mental illness, which can create shame and feelings of inadequacy in our Vets. Some symptoms can be verbal and visual hallucinations that are very real to them, and asking them to see the reality that exists outside of themselves is like asking them not to trust what their own brains are telling them. It is very terrifying for someone to come to terms with this, and people go into denial before they can eventually (and hopefully) acknowledge what it taking place. This is why they project it onto us. Please remember his behavior really has very little to do with you. You are not alone. When my husband gets very irrational/abusive, I find it best to just say "that it your illness/condition talking, not you". Of course, he becomes very irrate and tells me I'm crazy, etc. But, I speak the truth and then do my best not to argue with him any further because he is not capable to speaking rationally when he is in that state. I know he doesn't feel very good about himself afterward, though I rarely get an apology.
    My heart goes out to you. Please know you are not alone and find a counselor and/or other trusted support people that understand this condition to help you not taken ownership for his illness because otherwise your pain is likely to only increase. You deserve better. My husband lost his mind so badly once it lasted for three days and eventually I had him committed to the hospital for observation because he was so frightening. It really didn't do much good overall, and he is still very angry at me doing this. He still will not accept treatment and go back to his psychiatrist, like he did before. I focus on my own healing and hope that one day he will decide to start taking better care of himself. Hang in there and remember his condition is not your fault.