Friday, December 23, 2011

Letting it go....

I miss the military life, especially at this time of the year, Christmas, that might sound silly because thats usually when most military families are missing their family the most. But for us our house was always full, it would start out that I'd get wind of one of my husbands soldiers not being able to go home for Christmas and of course we would invite him, usually he would have a buddy who would came along and then while doing Christmas shopping out at the PX we would run into a few more and before we knew it we had 10 extra soldiers at our house for Christmas. I LOVED it, while the guys were running back to the barracks to get their things (we always had them stay the night because you know how those boys do love to celebrate!) I would run to the store and get  glitter glue and stockings and stocking stuffers and a small gift for every one and have them hung and wrapped before anyone got there. They would walk and sit down and naturally look at the decorations and then there was the moment-you could see it in their eyes- the moment when they recognized that they had a stocking hanging on the wall just for them. That moment of recognition and the softening of their eyes was the best Christmas gift I ever have or ever will receive.

I miss my husband bringing one of his guys home from PT with him so they could get showered and I could fix them a quick meal. One of his soldiers thought I was the most amazing cook because I made him an egg sandwich...really...a fried egg with a little bit of mayo and a bit of cheese in between two slices of toast.....but something that simple just made his whole day. Needless to say he got at least two sandwiches a week sent in for him. I miss making cookies and bringing them down to the company or making dinner and bringing it down when the platoon is working late...okay, you've figured it out, Im a mother hen and I have lost my chicks.

I miss the pride I used to see in my husband and I miss trying to be the best military wife I could be. The deployments were tough, beyond tough sometimes, the weeks by quickly but the days seemed to last years. But even in deployment good could be found, I made it my mission to write him a letter every single day and I did, for both deployements. I wrote about the most mundane things because to him its something from home even if its boring. I would start a letter in the morning, write some here and there and then finish it before bed, always putting one upside down stamp on the envelope because it means I love you. I also sent one care package a week and I absolutely had a blast with it.Sometimes I'd send him themed boxes like a Sunday morning box, a news paper from home, bagels (this was when somehow they go mail faster to Iraq that they could across our own country...go figure!) cross work puzzles, instant coffee with those shelf stable creamer etc. To me those letters and those care packages were the only way that I could show my love and I adored trying to find more and more ways to show him.

I miss watching the men in uniform salute each other, I miss seeing a tank in my review mirror, I miss driving slowly past the road marchers. I miss knowing that everyone on base, though we may not know each other or like each other is still in a way my family , they still live the same life we do , a life that people on the outside can't even begin to comprehend.

We used to lay awake at night talking with excitement about where we would like our next assignment to be, he wanted Alaska, I wanted Germany so neither of us budged. What I didnt realize then is that he was will to go to Germany as long as we went to Alaska first....I would have said yes to that! We truly adored our military life and now it feels as if we have been exiled but not just exiled , exiled without my full husband, part of him is in there still and its really trying to come out but he has bits of this new guy, this not so nice guy that is holding him back.

If this were a fairy tale I would be holding a silver hand mirror in front of my face but rather than seeing my own reflection you would be seeing the day dream going on in my head projected into that mirror and that at the height of happiness in the vision the mirror would slip through my hand and shatter into thousands of pieces, I'd fall to my knees and sob, trying in vain to put it back together so I could get to my dreams only to realize that I can't, they are gone and there is nothing in this world that can be done to make those dreams happen. You have to let go, drop the pieces and walk away or you will stay there and cry and bleed. You have to make new dreams....

I personally think that making new dreams is more difficult of letting go of old dreams, at least for me. You see the Army, it was such a bit part of our personalities. Kev was an NCO and he was proud of that, his time and effort went into being the best NCO he could be a training his guys up to meet their full potential. I was an FRGto the base and to the lifestyle, I would talk to the soldiers moms on the phones when they were worried about their sons but they knew their sons didn't want to hear them worry.  I was also trying to be the best military wife I could be, learning the terminology, background, the make up of the Army and such (I was quite proud to have been the only person in the audience that could sing the Army Song...thats on my hubby though, about an hour before the ceremony he told one of his guys that he should watch me because I knew the song....which I DID NOT!!!! So I spent an hour listening to the darn thing over and over and over until I go it!

But its like who are we now? Seriously,who are we? He is disabled and cannot work so he is home all day every day and I am his caretaker so I am with him all day every day and of course all night....who are we? Our life used to be so fulfilling and now the highlight of our day is checking the mail and watching "Impractical Jokers" (which you all should watch, its awesome)

Its so hard to let go when you haven't quite figured out your new dreams and its hard to figure out new dreams when you so desperately want what you had........

Jenny

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