Saturday, October 15, 2011

I am sitting in my house, alone, but for my animals, in complete silence. For many this is an optimal situation, one they dream about, a whole house to themselves with no one wanting anything from them...I find myself many times praying for moments like these. The only problem is that its not happening the way I'd hoped. I am alone right now because my husband went into PTSD mode and had an outburst in which he punched a wall, torn my dry erase calendar off of the wall and over turned the dogs food bowls, all with my daughter and her two friends upstairs....after a few minutes he got dressed and left in the car-our only car...I am trapped here. My daughter went with her friends to their gymnastics lesson because the parents knew I was scared of what might happen when/if he comes home. I don't know what to expect, I don't know if he will be himself, I don't know if he will remember this incident, I don 't know if he will be completely out of his mind and violent-not that he is usually violent but these outbursts always leave me shaking and scared because I don't know how far it will go.  I have my mom set to pick up my daughter for the night if I should need her to when she gets back from her friends house,  I have to stay, I have animals that need to be taken care of and my mom lives in a cats only apartment.

Its a surreal moment in my life, seems like I have a lot of those. At the moment the front door is locked and bolted with a chair wedged under the door handle. I have no idea what he will be like when he gets back-if he gets back- so I wanted to give myself a little protection to assess the situation. Many outsiders probably wonder why I stay, I mean this sounds like an awfully abusive relationship. What they don't understand is that man that had the outburst and stormed out is not my husband....my husband is not in there right now, my husband would never ever ever do this, he would be horrified if he were to see himself. But thats the thing, right now he can't see himself, he won't remember this...I wonder where that part of his mind goes when the other part takes over?

He definitely needs help....I pray that when he is again in his right mind he will agree to the inpatient PTSD program. He agreed to it before but then they upped his meds and he started with a new therapist and he seemed to be making progress so I agreed that he could put it off for while. When I told him today he needed to go he told me no and I said I couldn't stay if he didn't and he said thats your choice....in his right mind I am hoping he will go....I pray he will go, because if he doesn't then I will have to go. That hurts to say because I've always said I wouldn't leave him because this isn't his fault, I still believe it isn't his fault but I have to look out for my daughter and I have to be around for her, I can't let us live in an unsafe environment.

I don't know where he is right now....I don't know if he is coming back, I half expect a knock on the door from a state trooper tonight....

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