Sunday, August 7, 2011

Changing my mindset

Its been a hellish weekend, worse than I could have ever imagined, I will spare you all the details but I do feel like I've turned a corner mentally. I've been spending so much time and energy trying to get my husband out of bed and functioning every day that I have no time left for myself and not much for my daughter. I've come to the conclusion that I can't save him, I can take care of him but I can't save him only God can do that and Kev needs to help himself, I can't make it him want to get better. Trying to save him is destroying me. So I have decided to refocus my energy on my daughter and myself. I love him more than anything and I will take care of him when he can't care for himself and enjoy him when he is his old self but I can't sacrifice my mental and emotional state. When he stays in bed all day I have to accept that I can't get him out of bed and he will be miserable if he gets up because he is forced so I will make sure he eats and has his meds but other than that he can continue his life in bed while I work on making the best life for my daughter and myself.


I guess I've come to realize that I can't change my situation (well without jumping out of mine and into a worse one and breaking up my family) but I can change the way that I handle the situation. I know that some days are going to be far harder than other days to maintain this attitude but I've got to try.


Today I have quite enjoyed my day, far more than any day I can remeber in the recent past.  I got up, drank my coffee, read my emails, surfed the web, checked on my garden, did some laundry, watched some old movies, cleaned the living room and then Isa came home. Right now she is playing with a friend in her room so I am taking some time to relax before we have our girls night tonight which will include facials, manicures and some Phineas and Ferb : )

Jenny

3 comments:

  1. I totally get it. I totally understand. You can't be him, for him. It's hard for others to understand what the spouse goes through, they just see the break up and then blame the spouse for not being faithful or able to stay with their soldier. They don't see that you lose yourself being him, for him. I'm doing the same thing right now, spending that time with my kids and reading a good book. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I too live this every day. Today is the fact that his mental prison is starting to be my mental prison and the inner conflict is that do I leave him home and go out into the world without him or do I stay home and begin participating in this mental illness and not fighting it? How long can a person fight? He has to face his guilt and fears to get well (or at least function) but have you ever faced down a combat infantry soldier as a woman? not easy to do, believe me I know...I have no answers but worry if time is an enemy or a friend in this situation. I wish I knew if he will heal if left alone or get worse...

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm in the same boat with you-my husband was also a combat infantry soldier...if you ever feel like talking you can email me (as can anyone else) at TheRetroHousewife@gmail.com

    Jenny

    ReplyDelete