Monday, June 6, 2011

Walking on Eggshells, Part Six

Our cell phone bill was technically in his name but was bundled to my name with other bills.  I logged on our cell phone account to figure out how to unbundle it from our other bills.  As the bill came up online, so did all of the recent talk and text activity.  There were countless calls, texts and picture messages exchanged between his and another local number.  My fears of his infidelity were true.  The day after he started that heavy dose of medication he started texting and calling this girl, one of our mutual friends!  I was beyond pissed at this point, but didn't let him know that I knew.  I picked up divorce papers the next day and started calling around for legal advice.  No one gave free advice and I had no money to pay for it so I looked up information online.  I legally wasn't entitled to anything but child support if we did go through a divorce.  I had to come up with a better plan.

I decided to write up my own legal separation agreement.  I figured we could both sign it and I could have it notarized.  I took a day to write it up but didn’t share it with him yet since I knew he was still taking the medication even though his dosage had just been cut in half…I researched the medication enough to know that it takes a few days to dissipate so I wanted to wait to talk with him about anything serious until it had.

His mom went to visit him.  She only stayed a minute because she was afraid she’d somehow upset him more.  She said he was still heavily medicated and was seemed to only be mentally functioning at a 6-year-old level and she said it appeared that everyone else there at the center seemed that way too.  I was pissed!  The lives of me and my children were being completely jeopardized by someone with the mental capacity of a 6-year-old.  Why would they keep him or any of them on medications that could cause such havoc?  couldn't take it.  I was so angry but so worried about my husband and the future of us all.

I kept texting him trying to get some sort of guidance of how or what bills we should separate.  He got so angry and refused to talk with me anymore.  He told me that if I needed to get a hold of him for any reason, I could do so through staff only.  I called him completely distraught.  He didn't answer, but I left a sobbing voicemail asking why all of this was happening; why he was having an affair when I have stuck by him through so much then and pleaded with him to stop taking that horrible medication.  After I left the voicemail I had a slight panic attack, hyperventilating….thank goodness the kids were all asleep.  I then cried myself to sleep.

He called and sent texts to me the next morning, but I didn't respond.  His speech in his voicemail sounded close to normal again though so I eventually called him back.  He says he wants to work things and promises to call off his affair.  I told him that I have always and will want him to be happy…even if it’s not with me.  I tell him to take some time to think about things but to make an appointment to get tested for STD’s in the meantime.  He tells me how smart I am and how we have a commitment.  I’m so confused.  I love him so much but really don’t understand what has been going on and why. 

The next day he shares his hopes for our family’s future and even shares things with me from his parenting class.  He wants to start over with complete honesty.  I really want to but don’t know what to believe at this point.  Our whole dang town thinks he’s in love with someone else now and only with me out of sympathy…and they also believe that he’s in a ‘Walter Reed’ type hospital for being (so-called) shot in the knees and having (so-called) shrapnel in his elbow.  What a friggen croc!  I’m so conflicted.  I’m so angry and embarrassed that he’s told people these lies but I know that he did because that medication gave him delusions.  I love  this man so much and have fought for him as much as he’s fought for our country so what do I do?  I just try to focus on my love for him and our kids and hope that I have been fighting for him for a reason.

I keep my head up and try to stay positive…I should anyway since I always try to convince him to stay positive.  It’s hard to focus on anger since we get word of the earthquake in Japan and threat of a tsunami…headed to his area.  My mom lives in the bay area and notified me of the threat in the wee hours in the morning.  She, her husband and my brother are packing up and heading to the hills (our house) for refuge.  She asks if she should pick up my husband on the way but he’s not worried…He’s actually somewhat excited in hopes of helping.

Fortunately, the tsunami didn't really affect our state.  He decided to go to a lake to fish with a friend from the program.  He keeps me updated all day.  He even talked to our daughter on the phone. She says, “Daddy sounds different on the phone.”

I ask, “How?"

She says “He sounds less snotty.”

This really made me chuckle.  He has been less on edge but that is so hard for me to focus on with this affair and threat of divorce in the back of my mind.  I attempted to ‘forget’ about it all by drinking and going out on the town…bad idea.  I got wasted and tried to find his slutty mistress and shady old friends.  didn't succeed.  It’s good that I didn’t because I would've probably hurt them.  I’m sure I made a fool of myself by dancing alone and stumbling all over.  I felt silly and ‘too old’ to be out and about.  The people there that were my age were not going ANYWHERE with their life…and I knew this wasn't where I should be.  Luckily I had my uncle there to drive me home.  I had him take me home early and I puked my guts out when I got there…regretting ever even going out in the first place.

Of course I was hung-over the next day, but still pissed about the affair.  I have to believe in karma.  I have to know that she’ll ‘pay’ for trying to destroy a family for personal gain.  This surprises me because I always thought myself to be that girl that would dump the guy for cheating instead of hating the girl that he cheated with…but this isn't high school anymore…this is real adult life and I don’t know how to deal with it. 

Now I’m the one ‘loosing it’ especially since he mentions that he wants to try to get back into the military.  He knows I’m not comfortable with that.  I want him to be happy but I can’t ever go through another deployment…especially now.  He says he’ll be good to just ‘be home’.  He doesn't have to go back into the military to prove himself to himself. What a relief!  I hope he’s not just agreeing with me to appease me at this point though......

~Mrs. S

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