Thursday, April 28, 2011

Trying to Regain Myself

Earlier today I was reading Heather's latest post on her blog, when it made me realize how much we take on as spouses of a military man or woman. There are times that suicide is committed by a spouse, attempted, or at least thought about. Heathers hopes are that her story and experience of a battle she faced years ago can reach out and touch someone else. Thank you for allowing us to share your story, Heather.

For many that don't know a war widow recently took her life...she fought a battle of trying to raise her children and move on with life without her soul mate...and that battle was just to much for her...people will judge her, call her selfish, and a bad mother...but really we have no idea what she was feeling, how the hopelessness of her life had consumed her. She was a person that had loved and lost. Her battle was to hard for her to do it alone....

I can from my experience share a bit because I did try to end my life...looking back at it, its still hard to feel the depth of pain and total darkness in my life. Its like having a cold vise around your heart, your body.Most people assume that I wasn't thinking about my kids, my husband, my life..and that's not true. I was thinking about a small part of my brain I was but the pain was so horrible it felt like my entire body was falling down a pit and I couldn't stop it...I would claw at the walls and still slip. I had dealt with so much(deployments, divorces, kids, death) so there wasn't just 1 thing that drew me to that edge it was a lot of little things compounded on me and I just couldn't handle it anymore...I just wanted to forget the life, the world, the pain...people can judge me and that's their business they have never walked a mile in my shoes, they've never dealt with what I've dealt with...I tried to live life like it was normal..I didn't show any outward signs, I didn't do what a "typical" suicidal person does, I didn't give my belongings away, I didn't cut off friends, I didn't do any of that..I just stopped caring..I just wanted the pain to stop.

I swallowed a bottle of pain meds, I think it was flexerall, I went into the living room, curled up on the couch and started to sleep but then a small piece of my brain screamed at me and reminded me I have a family, I have kids that need me...and I did reach out and had a friend call 911...I remember my house being full of EMT's, fireman, and Mp's and I remember them trying to talk to me and I remember trying to answer them but I couldn't...the next memory I have was being in the ER having charcoal forced down my throat and a nurse attempting to put an IV into my hand...and then I was back asleep. I woke up to see my friend Amie being at the ER with me and I remember her fussing at me(gotta love Amie) and I remember being transported to another hospital and there I slept for about 24hrs trying to get the rest of the drugs out of my system..I spent a week in the hospital trying to regain myself...the person I had lost. She's still not completely back but she's getting there...people can say that they would know to get help and they would know they'd never try suicide but til you are in that position you can't say what you would do...I know I can't ever judge a person that has committed suicide...because I've been there in their spot, I've felt hopeless and cold...

~Heather Moates

1 comment:

  1. Heather,

    Thanks so much for sharing this. It took a great deal of bravery and concern about your fellow military / veteran wives to reach out and share your story so that others don't feel so alone. Sharing the dark parts of our lives, the parts that aren't pretty and that others might not approve of is incredibly scary, especially in a world where so few understand the depth and reach of the heartache felt within PTSD households.

    HUGE hugs and GIANT kudos,
    Brannan Vines
    Proud wife of an OIF Veteran
    Founder of - an organization dedicated to helping heroes and their loved ones survive and thrive after combat with real world info about PTSD, TBI, and more!