Tuesday, April 19, 2011

PTSD...TBI...Depression...it's all so confusing. They are real, they all have a huge impact but sometimes I wonder if it is used by my husband as an excuse not to fight, a get out of life today card....I don't want to down play anything he is going through or has gone through, its all real, I know this and I certainly don't think he is fine on days like this but often it feels as if he just gives into it because its easier than fighting it and then I get mad because when he gives into it he is in fact giving it far more importance than our family, he isn't willing to fight to come back to us, he doesn't want to deal with us and because he doesn't want to fight he just feels that its his right to check out of his role as a father, a husband and a responsible human being whenever he wants. If he doesn't do something its because he forgot but yet when I remind him I am somehow a nag but when he forgets of course I should have reminded him....He will give me his word on things, "I promise if I don't do it today I will do it tomorrow" he says to ease my anxiety over a phone call that he must make regarding his VA Compensation...tomorrow comes and PTSD takes over and I've reminded him about the phone call...all of a sudden I am a horrible person for asking him to do something in the state that he is in. When I tell him he has to do things even when he doesn't feel like it and I also remind him the neuro psychologist said the same thing he tells me that pushing him is stupid, he walks away, has a cigarette and retreats to our bedroom where he has been for the past 6 hours. He just decided to check out of life, left me with a six year old to feed and take care of and try to explain why daddy can't be with her when she cries that she misses him.

Thankfully after an hour of crying she is in bed and I am writing this post, alternating between sad music and angry girl music. Thank the Lord for music, music makes me feel alive, I can't cry anymore, I don't know why, I want to, a good cry would do me well but the tears won't come, I think I've used up my lifetimes supply already. Music lets me cry without tears and it gives me strength when I'm feeling weak and it even gives me a way to let my rage out when I just can't hold it in anymore...

3 comments:

  1. One of those sides of a PTSD wife that no one likes to admit... but we've all SOOOO been there. Thanks for having the guts to post this. Here's to a better day (and less need for angry girl music) tomorrow.

    BIG HUGS,
    B

    Brannan Vines
    Proud wife of an OIF Veteran
    Founder of FamilyOfaVet.com - a site dedicated to helping heroes and their loved ones survive and thrive after combat with real world info about PTSD, TBI, and more!

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  2. It sounds like you are describing my life. TBI and PTSD are a constant thing that you have to deal with one day at a time. It is definitely not easy and no two situations are the same, but there are many common things amongst us all and for that I am thankful even though I wouldn't wish this on anyone I am glad I do not walk this road alone.

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  3. Thank you for posting. You sound like an amazing woman. Hang in there !

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